#SFFpit Critiques! :)

11/24/2014

Dan Koboldt is once again hosting #SFFpit, a fun pitch party for just speculative books! I had a lot of fun offering critiques last time around and so...I'm doing it again!

If you want some feedback on your twitter pitch, leave it in the comments below. I'll give you my two cents and, of course, other readers are welcome to jump in.

(And if your book isn't speculative, but you want feedback for #Pitchmas or another twitter pitch party, feel free to post it below too.)

Let the critiquing begin! :)

UPDATE: If you have a pitch that got requests, please post it below so we can revel in your success (and learn from it! :) )

143 Comments

Kathleen S. Allem link

11/24/2014 05:16:26 am

Here's mine: After a spaceship crash, Mac loses both her legs and her rank. Going undercover to catch a traitor is the only way to get her rank back, metal legs or not.

It's a bit long.

Caitlin Sinead

11/24/2014 05:35:23 am

I like it! here's a slightly shorter version to consider

After a spaceship crash, Mac loses her legs and her rank. She must go undercover if she wants her rank back, metal legs or not.

Alex

11/24/2014 07:01:52 am

Thanks for doing this, Caitlin!

When 17yo Lacey inherits a gothic estate, she also gets deadly rivals, a string of murders, and one fiery heir to deal with. #CF #SFFpit

Caitlin Sinead

11/24/2014 07:41:52 am

I really like it! And I remember the query and this represents the story well. Some nitpicks: I might not say "heir" because we've just heard how she's the heir, so it's a little confusing. Also is there a better word than "deadly" for the rivals? (something more specific?)

But really, I still think it works, these are just a few thoughts. Good luck!! :)

Alex

11/24/2014 07:55:56 am

Great points! Thanks so much :)

Sherri Cook Woosley link

11/24/2014 08:08:56 am

When sleep therapist Elsa realizes that dream hunters are real, she'll have to fight in the dream realm or her patient will die.

Caitlin Sinead

11/24/2014 09:13:57 am

I love this premise! My only nitpick would be it would be nice if the stakes affected her more directly. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to think I'm compassionate enough to fight the dream realm for someone else, but the threat isn't directly affecting her or even a loved one. Is there a bigger threat to her?

Again, just a nitpick, and this might not be something you can fit in a twitter pitch. Twitter pitches are super hard! :)

Sherri Cook Woosley link

11/24/2014 10:05:31 am

Thanks! Is this better?

Sleep therapist Elsa's first patient has nightmares that leave bruises. Elsa will have to hunt the dream hunters or 15yo Cassie will die.

Caitlin Sinead

11/24/2014 10:31:45 am

Yeah, I think that the fact that it's her first patient makes it a lot more personal.

Magali Frechette link

11/24/2014 08:25:23 am

Thank you very much for doing this! :)

To get revenge Celina has to pay up her life and soul. However the demon she made a deal with twists things around at every turn #SFFpit #PN

Caitlin Sinead

11/24/2014 09:16:47 am

Can you be more specific? There are several books/movies about someone selling his or her soul only to be tricked by the demons/devil. That doesn't mean your books is bad (I'm sure it's not!), it just means that's not the selling point. What about Celina's story is unique?

Magali link

11/25/2014 07:15:14 am

Thank you - I'll try and make it more unique so that it stands out more.

Out of curiosity, are there any tips on how to add more details within the 140-character limit?

Magali link

11/25/2014 07:43:46 am

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post a reviewed pitch - if not, I'm very sorry and please ignore!

Celina has to choices: betraying a charming demon who is master of deceit or go down bloody spiral of revenge for her husband's murder

Caitlin Sinead

11/25/2014 11:35:52 pm

General tips: diction is everything! Make sure every word packs the right punch in terms of tone and style and feel of the book.

some comments on the pitch -
to = two!!
The choices aren't parallel grammatically. Put simply, if one option starts with a word ending in "ing" the other option needs to too. More on this here: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/623/01/

I do like that it's more specific with the reference to her husband's murder. Good luck! :)

Tiffanie Lynn

11/24/2014 11:05:09 am

Hey Caitlin! Thanks for hosting this. I have multiple twitter pitches, but I'll just post my top ones since you're doing this on your free time...

True Love is dangerous black magic, but 18yo Martia will risk her life to prove it can be controlled in a diverse fantasy world #SFFPit #YA

When 18yo Martia meets Narin, she didn't expect True Love. The magic? Dangerous. The punishment? Death. The only choice? Fight #SFFPit #YA

When True Love is the most dangerous magic, 18yo Marty must decide between following her head or her heart. Both could kill her #SFFPit #YA

Caitlin Sinead

11/24/2014 11:08:20 pm

I like the middle one best, it has a nice rhythm to it. :)

Tiffanie Lynn

11/27/2014 03:10:44 pm

Thanks so much!

Hayden Sharpe

11/24/2014 03:07:59 pm

Hey, Caitlin! Thanks for hosting this! Here's mine:

Theo's best friend is a shapeshifter. His dad's a dark wizard. They hate each other. Which side will he choose? YA ContempFantasy #PitchMAS

(And I might use it for SFFPit as well)

17yo Theo torn btwn Dad Dark Wizard & BFF, shapeshifter. Shifters=scorned. Dark=no better. Dad+pal violently disagree. Which side? #PitchMAS

Caitlin Sinead

11/24/2014 11:12:40 pm

I think the second one is way too choppy, but it has some useful info (that the shape shifters are scorned). I took the liberty of redrafting below...maybe it can give you some ideas? Specifically, I think "disagree" is too weak of a word. Also, is there a quicker short hand for contemporary fantasy? OR is just Fantasy sufficient?

Hope this helps and good luck!

Theo's best friend, a scorned shapeshifter, opposes Theo's dad, a dark wizard. Which side will he choose? YA ContempFantasy #PitchMAS

Hayden Sharpe

11/25/2014 12:04:02 am

Thank you so much for your help! :) I'll be sure to use it.

I think a shorthand is #FA, at least for SFFPit.

Thanks again!

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 12:47:20 am

Yeah, it might make sense to just use #FA....unless it's really important to say it's contemporary fantasy. Also, just curious, what's the difference between that and urban fantasy?

Hayden Sharpe

12/3/2014 02:20:52 am

The difference between Contemporary Fantasy and Urban Fantasy is that Urban Fantasy takes place in a city, and with Contemporary, the only caveat is that it's in present day, but it can take place in a small town or on a boat in the middle of the ocean, etc.

Caitlin Sinead

12/3/2014 03:00:33 am

That's good to know, thanks! I had thought maybe all contemporary fantasy was lumped under urban fantasy, but it probably does make sense to differentiate them.

Kristine

11/25/2014 06:16:47 am

Thank you so much for offering this! :) I have a couple pitches--here are my top ones.

To avenge her father's death, Dahlia takes on bounty hunters, cyborgs, enemy airships, and a psychotic general. In 27 days. #SFFPit #YA #SP

Half-Indian Dahlia must avenge her father's death in a steampunk world where watches show how long a person has to live. #SFFPit #YA #SP

When Dahlia's dad is killed, she vows revenge. But the man helping her (and stealing her heart) will die in 27 days. #SFFPit #YA #SP

Thanks again!

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 12:36:27 am

Oh, I really like the last two!! Maybe use both (I think twitter pitch etiquette is to not post more than once an hour, but you can post two different pitches).

I don't like the first one because it's a little too listy. Also, I have no idea what you mean by "In 27 days" (whereas I obviously do in the third one).

Just my two cents of course, but sounds like a great book! :)

Angela Greenlief

11/25/2014 10:41:32 am

Thank you for doing this! I can't fit any more hashtags other than the #SFFpit. I'm concerned because I didn't specify "alien" abduction. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Abducting Maggie is easy as kissing a rabid cat, and taking her farm will mean war with a cranky old woman and a shotgun named Betsy.#SFFpit

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 12:41:52 am

So, I do see a big problem with this actually...(sorry!) I have no idea who the protagonist is. It reads as though the protagonist is the unnamed abductor. But...as you only name Maggie and Betsy, I'm guessing Maggie is the protagonist. Even then...is Maggie the cranky old woman...or someone else...? I'm so confused.... (again...sorry...:-/)

Also, the "and" connects disparate thoughts. Kidnapping is easy but taking the farm is war. Would "but" be a better conjunction there?

On the plus side, I love the language!!! "kissing a rabid cat" is great and "a shotgun named Besty" ha! The tone is wonderful and intriguing in and of itself.

Jamie

11/25/2014 01:04:44 pm

Moira is an empath who has been imprisoned for killing her master. To win her freedom, she must solve a series of murders. #SFFpit #A #FA

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 12:44:21 am

I'm intrigued!

My only quibble is I wonder if this is the most important information. For example, do we need to know why she's imprisoned? Could removing that free up some room for more on her choice (which isn't clear here as it seems like obviously she will try to solve the murders).

Just a thought, though I do think it works as is. Good luck! :)

Jamie

11/26/2014 02:48:24 am

Thanks! Is this one better?

Moira is forced to solve a series of murders in order to gain her freedom. Will she follow her heart or her survival instinct?#SFFpit #A #FA

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 03:34:10 am

Interesting, but why do her heart and survival instinct conflict? Why does she not want to solve the murders?

Jamie

11/30/2014 08:43:10 am

Hi, sorry to bother you again :) But I was wondering if this one sounds better...

To escape her execution, Moira must risk her life to solve a series of murders for the people who have enslaved her kind. #SFFpit #A #FA

Caitlin Sinead

12/1/2014 12:12:49 am

Yes, I think that is better. Sounds like an interesting story. Good luck! :)

Nancy

11/26/2014 01:15:13 am

Veronica Mars meets Pretty Little Liars when a cheer squad initiation stunt leaves a teacher dead & Noble as the main suspect.#Pitmas

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 02:06:55 am

Part of me things you don't have room for comp titles in a twitter pitch...but...I think this works! :)

Good luck! :)

Nancy

11/26/2014 02:10:52 am

thanks so much! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 02:16:09 am

you too! :)

Jayne

11/26/2014 03:12:40 am

Thank you for doing this!

I'm working on a twitter pitch for #PitchMAS

Seriously, I’m a 16yo girl expected to save the world using a cube I found. One problem—something wicked is trying to stop me. #PitchMAS

or

16yo Sofi realizes the cube she found holds the power to destroy a curse on humanity and the wicked being that cast it. #PitchMAS #YA

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 03:32:09 am

I think it might be a little risky to do a twitter pitch from your charecter's POV, so I like the second one better.

I think this part "realizes the cube she found" could be stronger. Maybe something like "16yo Sofi found a cube that holds..."

Also, what is the opposition here? The stakes are high (curse on humanity) but she already has the solution (the cube). What is keeping her from using the cube? The wicked being, right? Maybe address that more clearly. Also, can you be more specific than "wicked being"?

Just some thoughts, but sounds like an interesting story. :)

Jayne

11/26/2014 03:43:58 am

Thank you, how does this sound?

16yo Sofi finds a cube with the power to destroy a curse on humanity but she's hunted by the evil shape-shifter that cast it. #PITCHMAS #YA

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 04:09:01 am

I like it! :) Good luck!

Jamie

11/26/2014 04:06:11 am

Thank you for the critique!
I have another series with several pitches...

Twin sisters. One is blessed by Life; the other is blessed by Death. Can they finally put an end to the Era of Darkness? #SFFpit #NA #FR

To save the ones they love, Eeva and Ebony must correct the mistakes of the past and find it in their hearts to forgive. #SFFpit #NA #FR

Twin sisters, Eeva and Ebony, will have their loyalties tested and their hearts broken. Will they learn to forgive? #SFFpit #NA #FR

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 04:10:42 am

I really like the first one. I think the other two are just way too vague. But, again, the first one works well. :)

and yay for speculative new adult!! :)

Rebecca Hart link

11/26/2014 04:36:35 am

Ana gets trapped in a world of fairy tale reality and learns storybook characters exist, and one may be the key to saving her son. #SFFPit

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 07:06:43 am

How about this, shorter version....except with the new "room," add in a little about what is currently harming her son? Just a thought.

Ana learns storybook characters not only exist, but one may be the key to saving her son from....

Rebecca Hart link

11/26/2014 08:36:06 am

Nice tweak! This works better... How's this?

Young widow, Ana McShay learns storybook characters not only exist, but one may be the key to saving her fever stricken son's life. #SFFPit

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 08:38:53 am

I like it. :)

N. Lockard

11/26/2014 05:45:19 am

Ed, a man-child, battles for sobriety as his assistant threatens his stability, + A SMILE THAT LIT CIGARETTES, enters his life #NA
or
Ed, a man-child, battles for sobriety as his assistant threatens his stability, plus a wild card of a woman, enters his life. #NA
or
Ed’s mission for sobriety and stability is threatened by his assistant and a wild card of a woman #NA

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 07:12:41 am

First, a new adult with a male protagonist is great! I want to see more of these. (And have a couple ideas for NA's with male MCs clinking around in my brain).

But...I don't really like any of these. Do you have a query you'd be willing to share? That might help me think of a better angle for the pitch, but right now the plot isn't very clear. You've got stakes (he could fall off the wagon), but I don't understand how his assistant and a woman threaten it. I think too that two antagonistic forces are hard to get across in a twitter pitch.

N.Lockard

11/29/2014 02:35:31 am

i would be willing to share do you just want it posted here or do you want it emailed? the computer with all that saved on it i dont have access until monday

N. Lockard

11/29/2014 02:41:25 am

well found one on my email
I would put personal stuff about why i was draw to so and so agent then : I’m currently seeking representation for my Novella, a smile that lit cigarettes.

Ed, a late twenty’s man-child, discovers he is a selfish alcoholic, and watches his assistant threaten his stability, all while a new love interest, a wild card of a woman, enters his life. Will Ed learn to be selfless and tame his irrational thinking in order to find sobriety, love and happiness?

Set in modern day, Ed is a consultant by day and a hardcore drinker by the minute. He weaves us through his irrational views of the world around him and brings along his best friend Philly, who struggles himself with the bottle and his workaholic attitude. Ed’s mentor, Frank, suggests the church as a means to an end, but Ed doesn’t quite click with everything they say. During this time Cheyenne, Ed’s love interest, threatens to get Ed off the wagon and back to the bottle with her charming smile and no boundaries approach.

a smile that lit cigarettes, is complete at just over 30,000 words, and could be the beginning to a series. The manuscript is available, in part or full, upon request. Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you!

Caitlin Sinead

11/29/2014 06:29:29 am

I think it would be helpful in both your query and twitter pitch to say why the assistant and/or love interest (as I think you should pick one antagonist per twitter pitch, as mentioned) is getting in the way of his struggle to be sober. Even after reading the query, I still don't understand why a charming love interest would threaten his sobriety. Now, a bar tending love interest might be getting somewhere, or an alcoholic love interest?

Same with the assistant. I have no idea why she's actually a threat/opposition.

Of course, that's just my two cents! I hope it's helpful and good luck! :)

N.Lockard

11/30/2014 04:00:52 am

Ok thank u very much- as for the assistant she is normally his stability and she is the first to call out his drinking and then threatens to quit plus she becomes very ill- as for the love interest she hooks the mc then shows she is a drinker and user as well as a dancer in a sexy night club

R. Price

11/26/2014 10:57:30 pm

Thank you for doing this!
It's a dual POV MS.

Superstar Lea has two choices: convince Joshua to break his rules for her or do a T. Swift and win a Grammy for her broken heart. #pitmad CR

A car accident takes superstar Lea's BFF. 3 rules keep her from true love. And the media says she has it all. #pitmad CR

As Joshua’s attraction to Lea grows stronger, he must decide if a chance at love is worth breaking the rules that guard his heart #pitmad

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 11:51:29 pm

I like the first one the best, but maybe that's just because I love the T. Swift reference. :) (I have a Taylor Swift reference in one of my books. My editor lightly suggested I should take it out so as not to date the book....but I kept it in anyway...heh...)

I think the last one is too vague. If you want something from his POV, trying to make it more specific.

Good luck! :)

R. Price

11/30/2014 12:12:14 am

Thank you!! ;-)

I'm working on another pitch from Joshua's POV; trying to explain the origin of his rules.

JazzFeathers link

11/26/2014 11:12:37 pm

Thanks so much for hosting this. This is my first pitch party, so I'm very excited.
May I ask something? I have multiple POVs in my novel and I'm writing a different pitch for every POV. Is that acceptable?

These are some I'm working on:

Chicago 1926 "I want them" the skeleton wrapped in fire hissed to Sinéad. "I want to do to them what they did to me."

Chicago 1926 Justin "I know your history with my brother. Why did you choose me?" Sharon "Why did you?"

On sacred SunDance ground, he vowed to help him seek revenge. Now Blood knows to save his brother he must never fulfill that promise

Caitlin Sinead

11/26/2014 11:58:31 pm

Yes, having multiple tweets is fine. Just don't overwhelm the thread. There's some good etiquette guidelines here from my wonderful CP Ava Jae: http://avajae.blogspot.com/2013/03/how-not-to-win-twitter-pitch-fest.html.

Love the use if Sinead (obvi), great name!

But, in general, twitter pitches are just that, pitches (i.e., not excerpts), so your last one is the closest, but it could still use some work as it's vague.

If you're so inclined, I'd suggest reading through the twitter pitches in these comments to get a better feel for them. You can also look through prior #sffpit #pitmad #pitchmas threads to see old pitches. And if you want to post a revised one, I'd be happy to look at it.

Good luck! :)

Michael Gale

11/28/2014 01:49:21 am

Thank you Caitlin! It is very generous of you to set aside time to help us -especially during Thanksgiving. Much appreciated.

"Hell's Missionary Executioner discovers his human target is redeemable. Worse still -he loves her & his replacement will be impossible to stop"

Caitlin Sinead

11/29/2014 01:18:21 am

I like it. I'm a little confused as to why he only has one target (or at least that's the implication), but I like that he can't just bow out, because then his replacement will surely finish then job. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place, which is a great place to be tension wise. Good luck! :)

Diane

11/29/2014 04:54:32 am

Thanks so much for sharing your pitch critiques.

I've been tweaking these two variations for my historical novel:

Lady Eleanor can only save her cousin from a treason charge with a key witness: a Japanese girl he once taught who is now missing. #pitchmas

Only with the help of a witness—a Japanese girl missing in England—can Lady Eleanor save her cousin from a charge of treason. #pitchmas

Thank you!

Caitlin Sinead

11/29/2014 06:23:12 am

Whoops...meant to leave this as a "reply"

There are clear stakes and an opposition so that's great. My only quibble is that the protagonist seems a little distant from the struggle. What, specifically, is at stake for her? (For example, is the cousin really close, would it bring down the entire family, etc.). Giving more of a nod to that (if possible) could strengthen it. Good luck!

Caitlin Sinead

11/29/2014 06:22:27 am

There are clear stakes and an opposition so that's great. My only quibble is that the protagonist seems a little distant from the struggle. What, specifically, is at stake for her? (For example, is the cousin really close, would it bring down the entire family, etc.). Giving more of a nod to that (if possible) could strengthen it. Good luck!

Diane

11/29/2014 08:57:20 am

Do you think that adding "beloved" would do it, like this:

To save her beloved cousin from a treason charge, Lady Eleanor hunts for a key witness: the missing Japanese girl he once taught. #pitchmas

Caitlin Sinead

11/30/2014 02:24:51 am

yes, I think that helps :)

Rita

11/30/2014 12:52:00 am

Hi Caitlin. You're great for doing this! Here are a few of mine...

17yo Ana becomes more of a pirate than her buccaneer kidnappers, making her release not just unwanted, but even feared.

17yo Ana yearns to return to Panama until she falls for not just the pirate life, but also the rogue captain who kidnapped her.

Kidnapped instead of her wealthy mistress, 17yo Ana thinks she’s the only impostor on Pirate King’s ship. Turns out, he’s one too.

The Pirate King just wants her booty, but 17yo Ana will end up stealing his heart.

Thanks for any input!

Caitlin Sinead

11/30/2014 02:25:59 am

I like the second one the best. Sounds like an interesting story. :)

girl_writer

11/30/2014 02:39:07 am

Hi, thank you for doing this. :)

Here are a few of mine (the ones I'm most uncertain about):
As outspoken 17yo Andie watches her family fall apart, she learns to lean on the geeky 18yo boy next door. #PitMad #YA

17yo girl with runaway parents & 18yo boy who lives next door find a way to fix each other without falling apart themselves. #PitMad #YA

A 17yo girl has to balance college applications, family breakups, and the mission to help her 18yo neighbor live out his dreams. #PitMad #YA

Caitlin Sinead

12/1/2014 12:11:40 am

I sense a good story here, but most of this is a little too vague.

I think the strongest part is "runaway parents" because that's specific and unexpected. Why are the parent's runaways? Again, good stuff.

But what is their choice?

I don't think you need to say the boy lives next door. That doesn't seem important enough for a twitter pitch and it takes up a lot of space. Better to use that to more specifically address their choice.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck! :)

girl_writer

12/1/2014 12:20:55 pm

Thank you for responding to everybody. :) I'll work on it.

Julia E.

11/30/2014 05:27:58 am

Here are a few of my attempts!

Tween with reptilian hands hunted by scientist-monks as the cause of supernatural illness, must prove innocence and capture culprit. #Pitmad #MG

Animal-loving, 12yo failed-whaler eludes scientist-monks and battles soul-eating water demon to avenge best friend’s murder. #Pitmad #MG

girl_writer

11/30/2014 05:50:40 am

First of all, these are both really intriguing. I only have a few suggestions:
1. You might want to take out the comma in the first one. It's not necessary.
2. For the first one, you might want to change "hunted" to "blamed." You don't hunt someone as the cause. :)
3. I think it would be "12yo failed whaler."

Sorry for being nitpicky, but I think your pitches have real potential. :D

Caitlin Sinead

11/30/2014 11:53:32 pm

Thanks girl_writer for weighing in!

I agree with those points. I do think "hunted" is a stronger word, but it doesn't read well in that context. I also think you have too many adjectives. For example, do we need to know the water demon is soul-eating in a twitter pitch? I'd prioritize action and tension over descriptions. But sounds like a fun book! :)

Kristin link

11/30/2014 11:16:08 am

To write her Hollywood memoir Suzy Doran will relive her career & the tragic mistake she's been trying to forget for nineteen yrs #a #pitmad

Caitlin Sinead

11/30/2014 11:54:46 pm

I like it! Just one suggestion, you don't need to say she'll relive her career (that's implied with Hollywood memoir). I'd take that out and use the extra space to give us a little more on what the tragic mistake was.

Good luck!

Kristin link

12/1/2014 05:11:37 am

I'm hesitant to go into too much detail on the mistake because we're traveling into spoiler territory.

Paperwork doesn't seem important until one mistake brings Suzy Doran's Hollywood career crashing down. #a #pitmad

Suzy was ready to step into a leading role until one simple error ended her Hollywood career with a crash. #a #pitmad

Suzy Doran's Hollywood memoir shares how paperwork can give you a lot more than just a wicked cut #pitmad #a

A mouthy starlet drags Suzy Doran back into the public eye 19yrs after her career ended. Being misremembered breaks Suzy's heart. #pitmad #a

Caitlin Sinead

12/1/2014 05:33:53 am

Okay, understandable. I'm still not sure if these work though because they don't address her choice. What decision does she have to make? What obstacles are in the way of what she wants? Right now this is all about what happens to her without a lot of indication about how she might be forced to respond.

If her mistake isn't revealed until much later in the book (as you indicate by saying it would be a spoiler), then what's the plot up until then? Does she know the secret might be revealed and she's trying to stop it? If the secret is revealed earlier and the book is her dealing with the aftermath, then you might want to reconsider whether or not it's a spoiler (as you want to give some context).

Just some thoughts... good luck! :)

Kristin link

12/4/2014 10:30:32 pm

I got two favorites yesterday and I wanted to share the tweets. These ones "worked" :)

This is one I wrote on the fly yesterday:
Being a superhero on TV meant a lot of stunt work & Suzy loved it. Until the day an accident brought her career crashing down #pitmad #a

And, this is one I had come up with a few days previous:
Bridget Jones's Diary meets Katharine Hepburn's Me in the tale of one woman's journey from promising ingenue to forgotten starlet #pitmad #a

Now to start working on #pitchmas :)

Caitlin Sinead

12/5/2014 12:09:20 am

Wonderful! Thanks so much for sharing and congrats!!!! :)

Kristin link

12/10/2014 01:46:06 am

And we're off!

Here's some new ones I'm playing with for #pitchmas

#pitchmas #a When an accident ends Suzy's Hollywood career she finds solace and love in a former costar.

#pitchmas #a When Suzy is named the headliner of a new variety show ambitious stage mothers vie to bring her down.

#pitchmas #a Suzy never intended on being a role model; it's just something that happened along the way.

I've rewritten the last one a few times already. I want at least one tweet to focus on her being a role model even though it wasn't something she tried to do.

Caitlin Sinead

12/10/2014 01:54:03 am

I like the first two, but note where commas will help the flow, below. As for the role model one, I think it would be stronger if you asses something specific. There's not much to hang on to as it is. Even just something like "When Suzy became a star she never intended to be..."

Just some thoughts. Good luck! :)

#pitchmas #a When an accident ends Suzy's Hollywood career [COMMA] she finds solace and love in a former costar.

#pitchmas #a When Suzy is named the headliner of a new variety show[COMMA] ambitious stage mothers vie to bring her down.

jls4 link

12/2/2014 08:40:23 pm

1) Boy abandoned by mother battles madman with super speed, invisibility, and lightning. BOOK OF ELI meets PERCY JACKSON

2) Orphaned 11 y/olds fight a war with stealth, speed, and lightning bolts. AVENGERS meets RANGERS APPRENTICE

3) Sky-high force fields. Mutated Beasts. 11 y/o kids unravel clues to save millions. MAD MAX meets ENDER'S GAME

4) If they die, a million more will follow. Luckily they have super speed, invisibility, and can wield lightning

5) Sky-high force fields divide land. Orphaned kids, who wield invisibility and lightning, are America's last hope.

These are my top 5 of fifteen I worked up. Thanks in advance for any/all help

Caitlin Sinead

12/2/2014 11:06:13 pm

First, I think it's tricky to include comp titles in a twitter pitch, though I think it can work (as mentioned in a previous comment). But keep in mind that the most important things to get across are who is the protagonist and what is forcing them to make a difficult choice. (Or, at least, what do they want and what's in their way).

You mention sky-high force fields, but is that their only opposition. And what are they trying to achieve exactly?

Also, if this is MG (I think it is?) you probably want to make room for #MG so that agents who represent MG can find this easily.

I DO love that they wield lightning! That's a super cool skill. :)

Just some thoughts, hope it helps and good luck! :)

jls4 link

12/3/2014 05:25:13 am

Thanks Caitlin! I put the comps in because on the last pitmad - the only pitch that got attention was the one with comps! I'll take a deeper look at what they are trying to achieve. And make sure to add the #MG

Thanks for everything

Julie Weathers

12/3/2014 07:37:19 am

Caitlin if you have time to glance at these I would appreciate it. If you don't, I understand, it's getting late. Thanks.

1. If not for war, Kaelyn would be a rider. A demon and pirate plot her ruin, but she has a senile wizard on her side. She's toast #pitmad #SFF

2. After Kaelyn's uncle is murdered, she knows she must learn to fight because war is here. So is a demon lord and a senile wizard #pitmad #SFF

3. In a land where dragons disguise themselves as dogs and demons pretend to be healers, Kaelyn must learn to fight or be killed. #pitmad #SFF

4. Kaelyn faces ruin by a pirate and a demon lord, but she's a fighter with a dead uncle and senile wizard on her side. #pitmad #SFF

5. Her uncle's ghost extracts a vow that defies all Kaelyn believes. Now she must help a senile sorcerer defeat a demon or die. #pitmad #SFF

Caitlin Sinead

12/4/2014 12:01:26 am

Sorry for not responding sooner. I like the third one the best. Nice world setting and clear stakes. Good luck! :)

WriterK

12/3/2014 10:18:29 am

Thank you for doing this! Here are a few:

•12yo tries to save kids from an avenging alien posing as school’s coolest teacher. Trouble is, he’s part of the enemy race. #MG #sff #PitMad

• A covert NASA experiment at a middle school goes awry when a 12yo boy discovers a secret about his classmates—and himself. #MG #sff #PitMad

• Peter’s school is running an experiment between humans and aliens. Can he find who’s sabotaging it before a fragile peace ends? #MG #PitMad

• #MG about a 12yo boy who discovers his dad is an alien on the lam—making him 1/2 alien, and in danger. #PitMad

Caitlin Sinead

12/4/2014 12:03:21 am

I think that second one is fantastic!!! Perhaps it breaks the "rules" by not addressing his choice or the stakes...but it definitely has me going..."what is going on here?" (in a good way! :) )

Good luck!! :)

Trong Nguyen

12/5/2014 12:05:51 am

Thank you so much for doing this.

PAPER CRANES CAUGHT IN THE WIND is a YA Fantasy.

When 15-yr-old Ancel faces Mongolian poachers hunting his spirit friend, mutilated bodies pile up in Moulinet, France. #SFFpit #YA

15-yr-old Ancel is pulled into a century old war between Mongolian poachers and Japanese spirits in Moulinet, France. #SFFpit #YA

Caitlin Sinead

12/5/2014 12:08:20 am

So, this is another one that doesn't quite follow the "rules" (what's Ancel's choice?), but it doesn't matter because the description is so darn intriguing! I think both of these work well, it sounds like a unique idea. :)

Trong Nguyen

12/5/2014 12:12:31 am

You're awesome. Thank you :).

SKT

12/5/2014 02:40:26 am

I tried joining the PitMad fun yesterday. After a day's worth of tweeting, I realized none of my tweets actually made it to the feed. Apparently, I'm too new to Twitter for my tweets to show. So here's to March! :) Your help is greatly appreciated.

1. Feud with ‘it’ boy turns 16yo Chris into a pariah. He can help save her reputation- at the cost of her pride and heart. #PitMad YA

2. An outcast spars with a golden boy. Golden boy wins. Next up? A month of detention. “High school rocks!” said no one ever. #PitMad YA

Caitlin Sinead

12/5/2014 03:23:38 am

All tweets will show up in the feed. If you didn't see yours, then you might have been looking at the "top" tweets (the default view). But if you click on "all" then all the tweets with #pitmad in them show up.

I like the first one except it's a little confusing because I think Chris is a girl, but it's hard to tell (I usually have androgynous names for MCs as well, so I feel your pain! :) ) If Chris is the girl, it works well because it shows the tension. She's between a rock and a hard place, which is exactly where we want our characters to be. :)

I don't think the second works at all (sorry!). It reads like a series of events, not a plot.

Good luck! :)

SKT

12/5/2014 04:39:38 am

I checked the "all" feed. But after some research, I learned that only my followers (all 5 of them) were seeing my tweets because I just set up my account the day before. Per twitter, my account was too new and mistaken for spam. That's why they didn't show up.

And yes, Chris is a girl. When I typed Christina, it took up too many characters. I figured the second one was a long-shot. I was going for out of the box. *slinks back in the box*

Thanks so much for your help! :)

Caitlin Sinead

12/5/2014 05:55:58 am

Hey, out of the box can work sometimes! And these are just my two cents, so if you love that pitch, use it. :)

Robert Polk link

12/5/2014 06:09:59 am

I love that you do this, Caitlin. Here's a couple #pitmad tweets that worked for me yesterday.

1. Rather than put away their clothes, two boys launch a SOCK WAR. As Dad counter attacks with mad skills, mom gets home from work. #PB #PitMad

2. THIS IS NOT A RHYMING BOOK. Turn the page and take a ... peek.
(A little boy thinks he's too old for stories that rhyme.) #PitMad #PB WC385

Caitlin Sinead

12/5/2014 08:24:16 am

Ha, I love these! I can see why they got requests :)

Phil Stamper link

12/5/2014 06:35:14 am

Here are a few that worked for me in yesterday's PitMad:

Chasing tornadoes is reckless. Imogen knows that. She also knows she'll be blind in a couple years, and this is her last chance. #PitMad #YA

This one got me a few requests, but then I decided to make the next one incredibly blunt, and that got me even more!

TWISTER for teens: Storm chasing is reckless. Imogen knows that. She also knows she's going blind, and this is her last chance. #PitMad #YA

Caitlin Sinead

12/5/2014 08:25:44 am

I'm so glad this got so many requests because I know first hand how good this book is! Can't wait to see it published, and thanks for sharing, Phil! :)

Jamie McLachlan

12/5/2014 12:32:16 pm

These two pitches got attention. Thank you so much for helping.

Moira is an empath who has been imprisoned for killing her master. To win her freedom, she must solve a series of murders. #SFFpit #A #FA

Moira must delve into the darkest minds to find a killer. But that means risking her own life and opening up her past. #SFFpit #A #FA

Can't wait for #SFFpit!!!

Caitlin Sinead

12/6/2014 12:34:37 am

YAY! I'm glad I could help. And yeah, #SFFpit is going to be awesome! Dan is great and my fantastic agent, Andrea Somberg, will be participating! :)

Rachel

12/5/2014 09:42:09 pm

This is my thirty-five word blog pitch for #pitchMAS, which is basically an extended and tightened version of my #pitmad pitch, which got three requests.

"In an 1811 Slavic continent, 18yo Fyr must take revenge on the politician who saved her life, and warn of supernatural invasion, before she and her brother are arrested for their race and past crimes."

Caitlin Sinead

12/6/2014 12:35:41 am

Awesome! Congrats on the requests :)

Mayken link

12/6/2014 07:38:49 pm

Hi Caitlin!
Thank you for doing this! #SFFpit will me my first every Twitter pitching experience, and I've been working hard on my pitches. Here's one:

Naya’s homeland is threatened. Dragons are the enemy. Yet one dragon could be key to stopping them. If Naya wins his trust. #SFFpit #YA #EF

Many thanks!
Mayken

Caitlin Sinead

12/7/2014 08:28:39 am

Hey Mayken, thanks for sharing. I think you'll have a lot of fun with #SFFpit :)

I like this pitch except that it reads a little choppy. It might be smoother with less sentences (e.g., "Naya's homeland is threatened by dragons.")

Just my two cents of course. Good luck!! :)

Mayken link

12/8/2014 06:24:01 am

Thank you Caitlin!
I'm getting very nervous...

Caitlin Sinead

12/8/2014 06:45:29 am

No need to be nervous! It really is fun. :) And it's a great way to meet other writers. :)

Jamie K (@Rockets2Writing) link

12/7/2014 12:56:45 am

I got a couple of requests with the following twitter pitch

When everyone has a tracking chip that interfaces with the brain, one glitch threatens the world. 16yo Kaya is that glitch #YA #SFF #pitmad

Caitlin Sinead

12/7/2014 08:26:09 am

Thanks for sharing and congrats on the requests! :)

Alexei Collier

12/7/2014 05:30:58 am

Probably a little late to the critiquing party, but here's a collection of twitter pitches I've prepped for #SFFpit. Not sure which ones I should use, or if I should just rotate through all of them.

1. Few men can travel by the Stepping Stones; no women can. When Brenya breaks that sacred precedent, dogma becomes a deadly enemy. #SFFpit #EF

2. No woman has ever been able to travel by the Stepping Stones, until Brenya learns that breaking sacred precedents can be deadly. #SFFpit #EF

3. Only men can be Peregrines, who cross miles in an instant. And Brenya's breach of that sacred precedent may just get her killed. #SFFpit #EF

4. Condemned for heresy, Brenya must play pawn to Caen, enigmatic commander of the king's elite guard, or else face her fate alone. #SFFpit #EF

5. Brenya is a blasphemy: the only woman able to travel by the Stepping Stones. But is she really alone, or just the first of many? #SFFpit #EF

Jamie McLachlan

12/7/2014 06:50:06 am

I'm not Caitlin ;) but I get updates through my email. And I just wanted to say that I really like the first one. :) good luck!

Alexei Collier

12/7/2014 08:37:27 am

Thanks! I like your first one you posted earlier too.

Caitlin Sinead

12/7/2014 08:24:46 am

I agree, I like the first one :)

I also think the fourth one works well. Good luck! :)

Alexei Collier

12/7/2014 08:42:16 am

Thanks for the feedback, Caitlin.

Do you think I should just use 1 and 4 and scrap the others? I kind of like 5, too. I might try to rework it a bit.

Alexei Collier

12/7/2014 08:51:07 am

Something like:

Brenya is a blasphemy: the first woman able to travel by the Stepping Stones. Now she must fight, or she will also be the last. #SFFpit #EF

C.R Billingsley link

12/7/2014 11:49:32 am

Royal Proclamation states that if the Imperial Ravens unite, peace and order will reign. Banished to an island by a malicious Emperor, the Raven Master is counting on it.

Thanks for you feedback!

Caitlin Sinead

12/7/2014 11:29:28 pm

I'm definitely intrigued by this, but I want more about the Raven Master's goal. Is he actively trying to unite the Imperial Ravens? If so, what is in his way?

Chris Billingsley

12/8/2014 01:49:14 am

Thanks Caitlin!

The Raven Master is banished to the island so she is unable to find them..she sinks a ship (a la the tempest) to bring two of them to her and then sends them to find the others...too much for 35 words!

Any suggestions? Or do you think it is fine the way it is?

Caitlin Sinead

12/8/2014 02:45:18 am

Shame on me for assuming the raven master was a man! (*tsking myself*)

I think you can fit that into a pitch though...something like "The Raven Master must corral the Imperial Ravens in order to stop a malicious emperor from WHAT"

Chris Billingsley

12/8/2014 03:11:58 am

Ooh..gotcha...and yes the Raven master will always be female!

Banished to a magical island, the Raven Master must unite the Imperial Ravens in order to prevent a malicious Emperor from taking over the world.

Caitlin Sinead

12/8/2014 03:19:54 am

I think that works, good luck! :)

Chris Billingsley

12/8/2014 03:27:46 am

Thanks so much Caitlin! And thanks for doing this!

Caitlin Sinead

12/8/2014 03:30:09 am

No problem! It's fun reading everyone's pitches :)

Melfka link

12/7/2014 11:54:59 pm

Hello Caitlin,
It's a bit of a last minute comment, but I'm hoping you might still have a look.

Meager alchemist becomes a witch and summons a familiar. Will they overcome their differences to assassinate king's advisor? #SFFPit #DF

Viyhenn summons a familiar by chance. Will they overcome their differences to assassinate king's advisor and avenge Vi's sister? #SFFPit #DF

A hunted witch and a bloodthirsty familiar will fight an evil nobleman. But first they have to stop fighting each other. #SFFPit #DF

Caitlin Sinead

12/8/2014 12:37:52 am

This might just be me, but I don't know what a "familiar" is, so that has been confused.

That said, I like the third one the best. If there's any way to fit in that they are avening Vi's sister (or another reason for why they really HAVE to fight this nobleman), that would strengthen it further. It would then show what they want, why they have to get it (stakes), and what's in their way (each other! :) ).

Just my two cents, good luck! :)

Alexei Collier

12/8/2014 01:02:43 am

I agree with Caitlin that the third one is strongest. (But an agent who reps this type of fantasy should know what a familiar is, so don't sweat that detail!) I also agree that knowing the progags' motivations would be could. Probably more interesting/relevant than the fact that the baddie is a nobleman. If you cut the adjectives from the first sentence you can fit in the GOAL; something like: "A witch and her familiar must fight to [liberate their asparagus crop, or whatever]. But first they have to..." etc.

Alexei Collier

12/8/2014 01:09:32 am

* "knowing the protags' motivations would be good" -- durn typos.

Caitlin Sinead

12/8/2014 02:39:39 am

You're not alone! I know at least a few of my responses so far have some typos... :-/

Melfka link

12/8/2014 05:03:54 am

Thank you Caitlin and Alexei for your feedback.
I thought about the issue with the familiar, but in the end, if an agent doesn't know what a familiar, he or she is probably not right for my story anyway.

I revised the third one following your feedback:
A witch & her familiar will fight to avenge the witch's sister & stop murders. But first they have to stop fighting each other. #SFFPit #DF

Hope it's better now.

Thank you again and Alexei... you don't even know how close with that asparagus crop ;)

Melfka link

12/8/2014 05:05:57 am

* if an agent doesn't know what a familiar_is_
(the typo curse got me as well!)

Caitlin Sinead

12/8/2014 06:15:05 am

Yes, fair enough! That's why I prefaced it, because it seems to just be my ignorance, not a problem with the pitch, per se. I've since looked up what a familiar is and feel educated...heh. so thank you :)

Justin D. Herd link

12/8/2014 12:09:29 am

Thanks for the help! The last might need the most work but it's all the same book.

Pursued through a heathen port city, mobster Raine caused a god's death; now he's hunted by a conclave of gods out for his soul. #A #SFFPit

When divine civil war erupts in his port town, Raine is forced to sacrifice himself or destroy his mob family in the chaos. #A #SFFPit

Marise tattoos an ancient symbol on the back of her hands, attracting a corrupted deity who is more predator than protector. #A #SFFPit

Caitlin Sinead

12/8/2014 12:41:52 am

I like the middle one the best. This might be personal preference, but I think the pitches that clearly show your character is between a rock and a hard place work really well. There's obvious tension and it leaves us thinking, "What will he do to get out of this pickle!?" :)

While the last one is actually really intriguing as perhaps part of a query, (I like that part about the deity being sort of a predator and sort of a protector, but much more of a predator...) I don't think it works alone as a pitch because there's not enough about the story there.

Just some thoughts. Again, I think the second one is strong! Good luck! :)

Katrina

12/8/2014 12:31:18 am

Thank you so much for doing this. Here's three Twitter itches I've been ruminating over.

1. To kill his father, Zair, an alien prince must rely on a blind General to survive his political machinations or die by them.

2. After killing his mother, Zair'eeyn must survive political scheming & military combat to kill his father before they kill him.

3. Politics, war & a blind General's live or die training is a game Zair must survive to kill his father before they kill him.

Caitlin Sinead

12/8/2014 12:50:03 am

Well, the first phrase in the first pitch grabbed me right away because that's unusual (having to kill your father!) So, that's great.

But I think it still needs some polishing...here's why. (Sorry the caps look like I'm yelling, it's just the best way to insert my thoughts. :) )

To kill his father, Zair, an alien prince YOU HAVE TO HAVE A COMMA HERE BECAUSE "AN ALIEN PRINCE" IS AN ASIDE must rely on a blind General to survive his HERE IT COULD READ AS THOUGH ITS THE BLIND GENERAL'S POLITICAL MACHINATIONS. THIS IS NIT PICKY, BUT STILL SOMETHING TO CONSIDER political machinations or die by them.DO YOU NEED THE "OR DIE BY THEM"? "SURVIVE" INSINUATES THAT. AND YOU CAN USE THE EXTRA SPACE TO NOD TO WHY HE MUST KILL HIS FATHER.

I would also consider how important the blind general is to the pitch. Do we NEED to know that to get a basic understanding of the story? Also, the last two pitches reference a "they" that is unclear. It might be better to say "Kill his father before the government kills him" or whatever it is.

Of course, these are just my thoughts. Use what's helpful and ignore what isn't. Good luck! :)

Katrina

12/8/2014 01:42:10 am

Thank you for your advice and while the General plays a major role, I don't need to put him in the pitch. Here's two I have revised according to your advice.

1. To kill his father & avenge his mother, Zair must rely on a blind General to survive the government's political machinations.

2. To kill his father, Zair must survive the government's political machinations or killing his mother will have been for naught.

Thank you one again for this. I love getting fresh eyes for these things.

Caitlin Sinead

12/8/2014 02:42:11 am

I'm a little confused...he killed he mother, yet he needs to avenge her death? This isn't necessarily a bad kind of confused, because it has me wondering if he was tricked into killing her or something, but, FWIW.

I like the first one though, because it is more clear.

Good luck! :)

Katrina

12/8/2014 04:04:20 am

Yes he did kill his mother and wants to avenge her. I guess I was wondering if that confusing bit could spark the reader's curiosity but maybe the 1st one it's better

Caitlin Sinead

12/8/2014 04:07:56 am

Well, like I said, it did spark my curiosity...so maybe try both? :)

Ben

12/9/2014 12:58:42 am

Here's what I've been trying so far, any feedback would be appreciated (all for the same book):

1. Persephone never wanted to be Queen of the Dead, but now she’s all that stands between the life and death of everyone.

2. Trapped in a loveless marriage for millenia, Persephone gets a divorce the hard way when an army of gods invade her Underworld home.

3. The good news - after thousands of years, Persephone has escaped the Underworld, the bad news - Fenris Wolf is coming to eat her.

Caitlin Sinead

12/9/2014 01:49:01 am

I like the third one the best because the first two sound more like descriptions of the original myth with maybe a slight twist. The third one really lets us know this has a unique twist.

Just my take, of course. Good luck! :)

Ben

12/9/2014 03:01:22 am

Thanks. I'm cycling through all of them at my max allowed speed of 2 per hour. So far pretty slow but I'll keep plugging.

Caitlin Sinead

12/9/2014 03:25:50 am

It just takes one favorite if it's the right agent or editor. :)

#SFFpit Critiques! :)

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