Caitlin Sinead
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Pitch Madness Entry

3/16/2013

8 Comments

 
Here's my entry in Brenda Drake's Pitch Madness Contest. I welcome any constructive feedback. Thanks!


Name: Caitlin Sinead Jennings
Title: DENALI IN HIDING
Genre: YA Science Fiction
Word Count: 81,000

Pitch: Seventeen-year-old Denali can move things with her mind and see remote locations on a whim, but these skills won’t save her if the American Psi Council discovers she is trying to prevent a bombing.

Excerpt: When my mom is mad at me, I usually understand why.

I understood why she said, “Calling it an ‘academic pursuit’ doesn’t get you off the hook,” when I dug a six-foot hole in the front yard to show Eli how the earth changes like a rainbow the deeper you go.

I completely got why she frowned and said, “That was mean and really sort of disgusting,” when Ethan and I—with just the right mix of apple juice, lemonade, and water—convinced Eli we were sipping pee on the porch.

I was not surprised when she screeched, “What the hell am I supposed to tell the mechanic?” after I practiced lifting her truck before I was ready and it clunked down hard in our driveway, bits and parts rattling about.

But I don’t understand why the smoky frustration crept into her eyes when I told her Ethan and I burned my last journal. She said coolly, “We will talk about this when I get back.”

While she’s out bartending, I’m stuck wondering what I did wrong. The only thing I can figure is maybe she thinks I let Ethan read it. She knows I write about everything and she gets touchy when she thinks there is even a remote chance someone might find out about me. Even if that someone is Ethan!

Ethan, who taught Eli and me to play Risk and has been a great sport every one of the seven times Eli won. Ethan, who leaves various types of miniature plastic leprechauns around our house for us to discover.

8 Comments
Amanda Salisbury link
3/16/2013 12:54:52 am

Your pitch is clear even though it deals with a high concept. I like the snarkiness in the voice, but my opinion is that the sentences are too long and convoluted. I think you could pare them down or divide them into more digestible pieces. Remember, I'm just a querier like you, so take this for what it's worth (hint: not a lot). Best wishes on your success!

Reply
Brooks Benjamin link
3/16/2013 01:15:01 am

I love the flow of the first 250. You establish a great rhythm and let us in on the fantastic elements of the story.

I'd read on for sure!

Best of luck and thanks for posting!

Reply
stacey link
3/16/2013 01:32:20 am

I liked the 250 better than the pitch. But that doesn't mean much because I LOVED the 250. I love your character, its awesome that we can get such a clear sense of her personality so quickly. Plus some intriuge to keep me reading (if I could). I really like this!

Reply
Lucas link
3/16/2013 02:43:06 am

The mechanic/truck memory is the winner in this opening. It's hints at the spec-fic nature of your story.

Good luck!

Reply
staceu
3/16/2013 02:49:07 am

See, I like the pee one. Lol

Reply
caitlin
3/16/2013 03:12:47 am

Yeah...the pee one is my favorite too. :) Thanks so much everyone for your feedback!

Reply
Lisa A. link
3/17/2013 02:08:19 pm

This is one of the strongest 250s I've seen so far! The voice is really well-developed and appealing. I love these kind of stories, too... and for the record, all 3 of the memories worked for me! Digging a hole to see the colors of the earth's layers is a flippin' cool idea. Then you add pee and truck-lifting= I'm in. (Oh man, I sound like a weirdo.) ANYhoo, I sincerely wish you the best of luck and I have a feeling you really are going to make it into round 2. Signed, @LisaArnseth (fellow pitcher)

Reply
Amy Cavenaugh link
3/18/2013 01:51:02 am

Love the voice in your first 250 :) You caught my attention with the pitch, probably because I love stories that deal w/ powers of the mind (mine is about a psychic, after all) I'd definitely want to read more! Best of luck to you :)

Reply



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