More Twitter Pitch Critiques!!! :)

2/5/2015

If you follow me on twitter or follow this blog, you may have noticed that I really enjoy critiquing! :) You can check out some of my previous rounds of pitch critiques here and here if you're looking for inspiration/thoughts. There were some really great pitches!

If you're gearing up for #adpit and/or #pitmad and/or another twitter pitch contest I'm not cool enough to know about, feel free to share your pitch in the comments below and I'll reply with my thoughts. If you're so inclined, feel free to also offer feedback on other pitches. The more the merrier!

And, as a friendly reminder, I also offer free query and first page critiques to my subscribers.

Let the critiquing begin!!! =D

121 Comments

Jeremy link

2/5/2015 11:32:34 pm

A cynic uses lessons from 101 romcoms on real-world dates to become Mr. Right, never expecting to find love in the process.

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 12:35:43 am

I love it! If I was an agent, I'd definitely request based on that.

Sorry to not be more helpful/critical, but if it works, it works (and I think it works! :) )

Chase Manning

2/6/2015 12:37:30 am

Not an expert, so take this with a grain of salt. What are the stakes? And if he's a cynic, why is he trying to become Mr. Right?

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 12:54:57 am

Very good points. I took the implied stakes to be his getting heartbroken...but sometimes implied stakes are sort of weak.

I also did wonder at why he was even trying to do it, but was willing to let that go for a twitter pitch. That definitely needs to be explained in the query though.

Jeremy link

2/6/2015 01:26:57 am

How about this?

A cynic applies lessons from 101 romcoms on dates to discover why he's failed at love, never expecting to fall for one of the women.

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 04:33:50 am

I think I still like the first one better. This has me wondering, "if he's doing it to learn about his failures, and therefore improve, why is he so surprised he falls for someone?"

Not that there can't be a good answer to that question, of course.

Another suggestion:

CHARACTER sets out to prove love isn't real by applying lessons from 101 romcoms on dates. Thing is, he falls for one of them

or something like that?

Jeremy link

2/6/2015 10:56:05 pm

How about this? Jeremy applies romcom lessons on dates to refute love, but instead falls for one, jeopardizing the project and new relationship.

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 11:34:49 pm

Love it! :)

Jeremy

2/7/2015 12:04:52 am

I think I have the final version: Jeremy’s quest - to use romcom principles on real dates to refute love - is jeopardized when he falls for his carefree opposite. #nnf #adpit

Caitlin Sinead

2/9/2015 12:43:31 am

Sounds good. I'm rooting for this one. :)

Kelly Heinen link

2/6/2015 12:23:21 am

Jimmy's off his psych meds and back on drugs. This might be Coby's last catch in this crumbling marriage #A #LGBT #AdPit

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 12:39:10 am

Oh, I remember this one! :)

I'd recommend reworking it to focus more on Colby. Something like "Colby must try to save his addict husband or give up on their marriage" (except much better writing than that :o) )

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 12:39:37 am

Whoops, I mean Coby. Sorry!

Kelly Heinen link

2/6/2015 01:07:12 am

Good suggestion =). And no worries, he gets called "Colby" a lot, lol! I'll see if I can tweak it to focus more on him. Thank you!

Chase Manning

2/6/2015 12:24:31 am

Hackers? Stripper? Seductress? Eli's got his hands full when all he wants is to have a normal college experience w/his bff/true love. #AdPit

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 12:41:25 am

I'm definitely intrigued, so that's good, but I'd like to know more about why he's mixed in with hackers, etc. I know, maybe that's not possible in a twitter pitch, but something to think about.

Also, if this is New Adult, you might want to make room for #NA

Chase Manning

2/6/2015 12:53:01 am

Thanks for the feedback!

Talynn link

2/6/2015 12:45:08 am

Orianna expects to lose her freedom as an indentured servant, not her heart to the dashing doctor who buys her. #HF #AdPit

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 12:50:03 am

Oh, interesting! If there's room, it might be nice to fit in the exact time period/location.

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 12:53:00 am

I just checked and it's 122 characters, so I'd definitely use that extra room on the time period and/or location. (I was afraid my advice maybe was just annoying...as it's so easy to just say "fit this in too," but much harder usually to actually do it! heh. :) )

Talynn link

2/6/2015 01:09:30 am

Ok, great! Where should I put in? It's 1700's.

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 01:23:30 am

May...

In 1700s France (or whatever), Orianna expects to lose her freedom as an indentured servant, not her heart to the dashing doctor who buys her. #HF #AdPit

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 11:33:26 pm

(May... = Maybe...)

Amelinda

2/6/2015 01:57:11 am

With a poltergeist intent on possessing her, 15yo Marianne must defend her family and the girl she loves against its attacks. #YA #PitMad

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 04:29:59 am

I like this. But it might read a little smoother like this. Just a thought

15yo Marianne must defend her family and the girl she loves against a poltergeist who [something specific about poltergeist]. #YA #PitMad

Amelinda

2/6/2015 04:35:08 am

Awesome, thanks so much for the feedback! Am just discovering this whole twitter pitch phenomenon...haven't decided yet whether the prospect is thrilling or terrifying!

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 04:39:58 am

Honestly, I think they're better for meeting other writers than they are for getting an agent/editor, but don't discount that. They're great ways to meet potential critique partners! :)

Morgan Jerkins link

2/6/2015 06:43:31 am

Two versions

1. A traumatized man decides to create his own therapy by avenging the death of the woman he saw murdered fifteen years ago.

2. A traumatized man risks his life as he seeks revenge against a media tycoon who profited off of a Black woman's murder.

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 11:32:46 pm

I'm not sure about mentioning the woman's race, unless is integral to the story. I wrote a blog post on this earlier that might be useful to you (and I'd also suggest reading the comments to get some different perspectives): http://www.caitlinsinead.com/blog/should-you-mention-your-diverse-cast-in-a-query.

I think a combination of the two might work well.

CHARACTER NAME risks his life to finally avenge the death of the woman he saw murdered by a media tycoon 15 years ago.

Just a thought. Notice, I left out "a traumatized man." I'm not sure you need that, it's more distancing than just using the character's name.

Good luck! :)

John Berkowitz link

2/6/2015 03:33:04 pm

A homeschooler who sees faeries among us must abandon her dreams to stop a changeling from using his magic to rule both worlds. #PitMad #MG

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 11:26:42 pm

I'm curious about some things here, but all in a good way. I think this nicely encapsulates the stakes and the obstacle and implies a choice. Good job! :) (And good luck! :) )

cade dylan

2/6/2015 05:46:15 pm

With the help of a 3-eyed Scholar, and a Stallion, an orphan discovers her true identity just as thousands of girls go missing. #MG #pitmad

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 11:23:59 pm

You don't need the comma after "Scholar."

I think this is interesting, but I'm wondering what the orphan's role is. What is it she wants and what's in her way? How can she help save the missing girls (if that's her objective)?

cade dylan

2/8/2015 11:41:26 am

Thanks so much! She is a queen, but I wasn't sure if I should include that. Also, what if the overall plot runs three books instead of one? How do you 'pitmad' that?

Caitlin Sinead

2/9/2015 12:42:54 am

Oh, that's tricky. An easy way would be to just say it's a trilogy, but, honestly, that probably won't help you. Try to sell an agent on the first book, then you can start talking about the trilogy.

While I understand that the overall plot spans three books, each book should really have it's own defined plot as well. Focus on whatever is the specific plot for the first book.

Melissa

2/6/2015 10:46:20 pm

Identity crises are common among happily married mothers, right? Hot new guy at work leaves Corinne questioning. #WF #pitmad

Caitlin Sinead

2/6/2015 11:22:06 pm

I'd leave out the question and really hone in on something specific about this story, but the tension is immediately evident, so that's good! :)

Tom Navratil

2/7/2015 03:05:16 am

Hi Caitlin, I'm jumping in late so no worries if this party's over!

He’s ass-kissed his way up the ranks. But to become an ambassador requires something extra: treachery. #AdPit

He’s the shrewdest in the game. She’s a sassy idealistic rookie diplomat, a pawn. But she has moves he doesn’t expect. #AdPit

Caitlin Sinead

2/7/2015 03:08:40 am

Nope, the party isn't over! :)

I don't think the first one has enough specifics. I like the second one a lot though. Sounds interesting! :) My only suggestion would be to hint at what they're trying to achieve. To make room, you can probably do without some of the adjectives around the female character. Rookie diplomat would probably be sufficient.

Tom Navratil

2/7/2015 04:04:56 am

Good points, thank you! I will take them back to the tweet lab as I try to perfect my formula.

Lora link

2/7/2015 09:33:39 am

thanks! xoxo

#AdPit A movie star; his face on every magazine. A girl in Witness Protection; her EX wants her dead. Romeo & Juliet had it easy.

#AdPit He's a hollywood heartthrob; she's in Witness Protection. Only he doesn't know it. Neither do the paps who just blew her cover.

Caitlin Sinead

2/8/2015 12:39:46 am

Oh, interesting premise! I like the second one better.

Jerry Quinn link

2/8/2015 12:07:34 am

Two royal brothers. One looks like a good king. The other actually is one. BLACKHANDS, a 96k Plantagenet historical allegory. #A #PitMad

Does a good king permit his father’s church to oppress his mother’s people? Let’s talk of graves, worms, and epitaphs. BLACKHANDS #A #PitMad

Assassin, rat-catcher, scapegoat, king. Thus he plays in one person many people, and none contented. BLACKHANDS #A #PitMad

That child died of natural causes. Perjury, perjury, in the high’st degree! BLACKHANDS, a Plantagenet historical allegory #A #PitMad

Caitlin Sinead

2/8/2015 12:41:54 am

There's a lot going on here, but I'm having trouble understanding what the plot is. Try focusing on the MC, what he wants and what's in his way. Also, I wouldn't worry about fitting in the word count in a twitter pitch.

Jerry Quinn link

2/8/2015 02:12:21 am

Thank you so much! Aside from the first one, the other three are all referential. For example, "Perjury, perjury in the high'st degree!" is a Richard III quote. Those who know Richard III (the play or the history) know he was accused of killing his nephews in order to consolidate his claim to the throne, and that he's the last Plantagenet king.

Not that I would expect everyone to know that, but I figured that an agent who would want a Richard III retelling would only want it because they know and love the Shakespearean version and the original history, and thus, would recognise the "genre term," as it were.

What is your opinion of that logic?

Caitlin Sinead

2/8/2015 03:57:18 am

Honestly, I'm not sure it helps you. You're not selling Shakespeare's writing (wouldn't all our jobs be easier if we were :) ), you're selling your own writing.

I'll admit I didn't get the reference (Richard III is pretty low on my list of favorite Shakespeare plays, sorry! :) ). But, I want to use a siilar example for a bit. Let's consider that something like "It is a truth universally acknowledged that..." would get across to everyone that you have a Pride and Prejudice retelling, right? Still, you'd be using all those Jane Austen words instead of your own in a short pitch to say something that could be said succinctly. So all you're really telling an agent with that is that you're taking a long, uncreative way to say that you have a P&P retelling. Further, you're letting the quote trump you're unique take on the story, which is what the agent is REALLY interested in.

While you're quote is lesser known, and therefore not as cliche as the example I just gave, I still think functionally it has the same effect.

Of course, that's just my two cents! Certainly there's room for disagreement. :)

Jerry Quinn link

2/8/2015 04:02:38 am

I asked because I wanted your two cents! Merci beaucoup :)

P.D. Pabst link

2/8/2015 09:42:16 am

I hope your still doing critiques! After seeing your tweet earlier on lunch break, I couldn't wait to get home to post. I always LOVE your feedback!

Pitch: Today’s Agnes plays pretend in a 1840s manor with hidden rooms and creepy passages to keep her father’s memory alive, but her brother tells her to grow up and a real ghost threatens her.

P.D. Pabst link

2/8/2015 09:46:15 am

Oh snap! That was my Pitch Madness pitch! Here's my twitter pitch for #pitmad!

Pitch: Today's Agnes plays pretend in an 1840'S manor w/ secret passages & hidden rooms but must banish a real ghost threatening her. #MG #pitmad

Caitlin Sinead

2/9/2015 12:40:32 am

Thanks PD, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside :)

I get why you're saying "Today's" to make sure it's clear it's not set in the 1840s, but then that just gets a little confusing. Is she traveling back in time? Is the manor just built during the 1840s?

How important is it that the manor house is from the 1840s? I'd just say "Agnes plays pretend in an old manor house..."

And, nitpicky, but I'd add a comma before "but."

Otherwise though, I think it's good. :) If you can fit in anything specific about the ghost, even better. :)

P.D.Pabst link

2/9/2015 01:08:13 am

Thanks Caitlin!

Chris V link

2/18/2015 01:22:28 am

Hi Caitlin - if you're still doing these, I'd love for you to take a look!

Jealous & manipulated by the city’s most influential man, Norm slanders his bro, Heroic Man, & must repair the relationship.

Caitlin Sinead

2/18/2015 01:40:41 am

Yep, I am. :)

Hmm...I wonder if it might be set up better as "what MC wants, what is in MC's way"

Norm wants to amend his relationship with his bro, Heroic Man, but the city's most influential man want to ensure that never happens...

or something like that? Just a thought. As it is now, the slandering part reads more as back story, but you want the pitch to be looking forward.

Good luck! :)

Chris V

2/18/2015 01:54:26 am

Cool - thanks so much, Caitlin!

Chris V

2/19/2015 12:50:25 am

OK - I hope you don't mind if I post a couple new versions based on your feedback. Either way, you've helped me so much - thanks, again!

Brainy weakling, Norm, must redeem himself after slandering his superhero bro, Heroic Man, in a fit of envy.

A jealous Norm slanders his superhero bro, Heroic Man, & must repair the relationship despite a powerful man’s plans.

Caitlin Sinead

2/19/2015 03:50:02 am

I think these are better. I only wonder about the stakes....what happens if he doesn't do this? He and his brother will be on bad terms? That does seem bad, but not very weighty. If there's anyway to up the ante a bit (and demonstrate that through the pitch), I think these would be even better.

Chris V

2/19/2015 10:35:04 am

Sweet - thanks, Caitlin!!!

Timothy Vienne link

2/19/2015 03:58:03 am

A king wants his daughter to become the next Sleeping Beauty and lure a wealthy prince. She'd rather not--but double-crossing one witch puts her in the crosshairs of a sorcerer's conspiracy.

Caitlin Sinead

2/19/2015 04:10:40 am

The only thing I'm confused about here is the "but." She doesn't want to lure prince, but a she ends up in the crosshairs of a conspiracy. How is that related to luring a prince?

There might just not be enough time to hint at that, and otherwise I do like it. :)

(also, nitpicky, but you might want to vary up using both double-crossing and crosshairs)

Good luck!

Lucy Hallowell

2/19/2015 04:07:56 am

League of Their Own with lesbian romance. Star shortstop follows all the rules until she falls in love with the team owner's glamorous daughter. Only a matter of time before she loses something she loves.

Caitlin Sinead

2/19/2015 04:12:06 am

I love the first two sentences! Sounds like a nice premise. :)

The last sentence is a little cliche, and perhaps could be stronger with something more specific. For example, is her job at stake if she and glamorous daughter date?

2/19/2015 04:17:06 am

Yes, the stakes are possibly losing her job if she gets caught with another woman.

League of Their Own with lesbian romance. Star shortstop Louise follows all the rules until she falls in love with the team owner's glamorous daughter. Getting caught may cost her job or her girlfriend.

Caitlin Sinead

2/19/2015 04:22:08 am

I think this works...just be aware of the fact that it could also read as though she's cheating on another woman (i.e., daughter and girlfriend aren't the same person.) However, I think most people would interpret it that the daughter is said girlfriend.

Good luck! :)

Tonja Tomblin

3/6/2015 01:04:27 am

When a social outcast’s new friends are murdered, she has one chance to unmask the killer or be the next victim. #Pitmad YA mystery

and/or

Bullies ruined high school for 16yo Deanna. A killer is ruining college. She must save her friends or be the next victim. #PitMad YA mystery

Caitlin Sinead

3/6/2015 02:13:14 am

The stakes are great and I love a good mystery, but I wish this had something a little more specific to hold on to. What makes this book different than other mysteries?

Also, if she's in college, this might be better as an NA Mystery. How old is she?

Tonja Tomblin

3/6/2015 03:07:40 am

That's what I've been struggling to capture in 140 characters. She's a 16-year-old genius who goes to college 2 years early. She was a social outcast and bullied in high school. At college, she gets a chance to start over and makes some friends. Those new friends are being picked off one by one and their bodies dumped on the football field.

Caitlin Sinead

3/6/2015 03:50:02 am

Well, dumped on the football field is a unique and memorable image! (I'm a bit macabre :) )

How about...

16yo prodigy Deanna loved college, until a killer started dumping her friends bodies on the football field #pitmad #YA #mystery

127 characters, bam!

Of course, it's just a suggestion, but hopefully it gets you thinking? :)

Chris V

3/6/2015 01:11:59 am

I'm actually back with another revision - I hope that's all right! Your feedback has been so helpful! Anyway, here it is (2 possibilities):

Manipulated by a CEO, Norm slanders his superhero bro & must decide to fix the wrong or enjoy freedom from his bro's shadow #pitmad #SFF

Manipulated by a corrupt CEO, Norm slanders his superhero bro & must decide to repair the wrong or enjoy the fame. #pitmad #SFF

Caitlin Sinead

3/6/2015 02:15:28 am

I like the second one better. It sets up the choice really well and has me legitimately wondering what he will choose (which is a v. good thing. :) )

Chris V

3/6/2015 03:04:02 am

Cool - thanks so much, Caitlin! This has been invaluable.

M.A. Kropp

3/6/2015 02:27:59 am

This kind of feedback is so helpful! Here's my latest attempt:

#PitMad #SFF After 5yrs off planet Kaili is home to old resentments & plot against her family's mining co. that threatens her sister's life

Caitlin Sinead

3/6/2015 03:40:50 am

No problem! But I'm sorry to say I stumbled over this a lot...

I think Kaili is the MC's name, right? But it sounds like it's the planet's name "planet Kaili is home to..." I took a shot are revising it:

When Kaili returns to her home planet after 5 years away, she learns of a plot against her family's mining co. that threatens her sister's life.

Or something like that?

Also, why does it only threaten her sister's life? If Kaili's life is also in danger, that's even "better"

M.A. Kropp

3/6/2015 04:31:01 am

How about this revised try:

After 5yrs off planet, Kaili is home to old resentments & a plot against her family's mining co. that may cost her life #PitMad #SFF

Caitlin Sinead

3/6/2015 04:40:08 am

"is home" still sounds a bit off to me. Do you mean "comes home."

I think it's much stronger with her life at risk! :)

Jim Rudnick link

3/6/2015 03:12:35 am

Here's my first one -

#pitMad #SFF On the Rim lies a Confederacy of 40 planets where the detritus of the galaxy ended up and our hero is an closet alcoholic!

???

Caitlin Sinead

3/6/2015 03:42:54 am

"On the Rim lies..." is passive, which should be avoided in a pitch. I also want to know more about why he's the hero. I'll admit the closet alcoholic definitely surprised me, in a good way! (But fix the "an")

Nancy link

3/6/2015 03:45:48 am

Silver-haired Annie Savone wants nothing more than to stand on her own two feet and build renewed self-reliance and financial security after a divorce that should never have happened.

Caitlin Sinead

3/6/2015 03:52:22 am

Hmmm...what's her choice? What's standing in her way? What makes her story different than every other book about an older, female divorce?

Nancy link

3/6/2015 03:55:21 am

Silver-haired vintage shop manager yearns for post divorce self-reliance and her true identify obscured by a clouded adoption.

Caitlin Sinead

3/6/2015 04:06:39 am

The adoption thin is interesting! I'd play up that and why it is important to her to figure that out while surviving the divorce.

Nancy link

3/6/2015 04:11:49 am

Post divorce, silver-haired vintage shop manager yearns for renewed self-reliance through discovering her true identity obscured by a clouded adoption.

Nancy link

3/6/2015 04:14:04 am

Post divorce, silver-haired vintage shop manager yearns for renewed self-reliance through discovery of her true identity obscured by a clouded adoption.

Nancy link

3/7/2015 06:12:08 am

Caitlin, anything more on this one? Thanks!

Caitlin Sinead

3/7/2015 08:51:04 am

Yes, I think this is better, just keep in mind agents want to know stakes and they want to know what makes your book different. :)

Robin

3/6/2015 05:32:21 am

A reclusive woman’s horrific childhood holds her hostage until the lives of the kids across the street mimic her past and she must conquer her fears to fight for their safety. #WF

Caitlin Sinead

3/6/2015 06:17:24 am

I like this! Making a few things more specific and less vague might help, but I think this works :)

Robin

3/6/2015 06:26:56 am

Thanks Caitlin! It's hard to shrink your pitch to 140 characters and leave room for #s. How about this one:
War of the Roses/3 Little Words: Used as a pawn in a bitter custody battle, a woman must choose the lesser evil: mother/father.

Caitlin Sinead

3/6/2015 10:11:39 pm

It's a little confusing because a woman (adult) wouldn't be in a custody battle, I know you mean in the past she was used as a pawn, but the pitch makes it sound like it's still going on. I think the first one worked better. But just my two cents. Good luck! :)

Robin

3/7/2015 04:50:03 am

Thanks Caitlin. Looks like I need to rewrite this one because the woman is a neighbor of a couple who involve her in their very bitter and brutal divorce and custody battle. But after trusting one parent, she learns she trusted the wrong one. She must right her wrong and save the neighbor's children from the wrong parent. And it's happening now.....hmm, back to work.

Caitlin Sinead

3/7/2015 09:15:45 am

Oh, okay, honestly maybe that would be clear to others? It just sounded like she was entangled in the custody battle, and then I was also remembering how she had issues from her childhood to work out from the previous pitch, we might have colored my way of thinking. But, yes, I do think it could be more clear. Good luck! :)

Robin

3/8/2015 11:43:42 am

Hi Caitlin! I just wanted to tell you thank you for the taking the time to help me with this pitch. I really appreciate it and have been changing it up to get ready for #pitmad! Thanks, Robin

Sherry Howard link

3/6/2015 06:57:32 am

When a robber looks familiar, 12yo Zeb needs to solve the case before cops link the robberies to his home at Paintball Asylum.

Caitlin Sinead

3/6/2015 10:18:56 pm

I like this a lot!

However, I am confused about why/how the robberies are linked to his home and what that means stakes-wise. So, if he lives in an actual asylum (not clear if that's just the name), what's it to him if the cops think another person in the asylum did the robberies? If Paintball Asylum is a name of an estate (not an actual asylum) and he recognizes the robber (maybe a servant) wouldn't it actually be in his interests for the cops to get him/her?

Also, when does he find out why the robber looks familiar? If it's in the first quarter of the book, you can probably just out with it here. "When 12yo Zeb realizes his dad has been robbing ...." If it's later in the book, then, again, how exactly it effects him needs to be clearer in this pitch.

So, I'm confused about that, but if you clarify the stakes I think this could be really strong. Good luck! :)

Sherry Howard link

3/7/2015 01:28:40 am

Thanks, Caitlin. That's my problem! I can't figure out how to go further into stakes in so few words. He doesn't want any authority nosing around because his dad just got custody back and he doesn't trust any negative attention by "suits" right now. He's afraid that his social worker would overreact to anything right now. And Paintball Asylum is home/business.

Caitlin Sinead

3/8/2015 12:38:52 pm

hmmm...this is a tough one...

I would suggest just saying "family business." Yes, it's less specific, but I think "paintball asylum" is confusing without more context

But, I think it needs more that that. Still, I have to admit, this one has me a little stumped as there's so much going on and the stakes don't make sense without the more detailed explanation...hmm

If I have any brilliant thoughts on how to rework it between now and then, I'll let you know! :)

Kristine Kruppa

3/9/2015 01:46:27 am

I've used these three in a few pitch contests and gotten some requests, but I'm hoping to improve/revise them. Advice on any of them would be much appreciated! :)

Everyone knows when they'll die. Except her. Dad changes her lifetime watch to save her, now she must avenge his murder #PitMad #YA #SF

Half-Indian 18yo must avenge her father's murder in a world where pocket watches show lifetimes. Except hers. #PitMad #YA #SF

She must avenge her dad's murder. The man helping her and stealing her heart will die in 27 days. But she can change time. #PitMad #YA #SF

Caitlin Sinead

3/9/2015 02:47:19 am

Yeah, I think I remember this one from previous pitch contests. Interesting premise, I'm not surprised it's gotten some requests! :)

I really like the start of "Everyone knows when they'll die. Except her." But I'm lukewarm on the rest of that pitch.

I like some combination of the first and last. I added in "handsome" to hint at the romance, but there's probably a more clever way to do that. I also changed the end to a question. Also, could you change "avenge her father's death" to something more integral to her own stakes. Are they also a threat to her? Are they still a threat to others? (I'll admit my own bias here that I just don't think vengeance is a super strong motive. I actually recently wrote on a group blog about it: http://troublethewriteway.blogspot.com/2015/02/revenge-as-character-motivation.html. )

Again, just my thoughts, and it needs some polishing, but I hope it helps. Good luck! :)

Everyone knows when they'll die. Except her. The handsome man helping her avenge her father's death will die in 27 days. Can she change time? #PitMad #YA #SF

Kristine Kruppa

3/9/2015 05:31:31 am

Thank you so much! I'll play around with the combination pitch and see if I can polish it a little more. :)

Sunni link

3/9/2015 03:39:45 am

Shy sculptor hates motorcycles*A Harley hunk wants her*Seduction+Surrender ignite fiery romance. Will fear&passion drive them apart #Pitmad

Caitlin Sinead

3/9/2015 07:52:15 am

The first two lines are great...nice tension! I think the last two bits are too cliche. The more specific you can get the better (tho I know it's hard in short pitch!)
Housekeeping notes: The asterisks were distracting and you should leave room for a #romance tag (assuming that's what this is?)

Sunni

3/9/2015 09:37:39 am

Thanks, Caitlin. I'll rework it. You're right, a short pitch is tough.

Kelly

3/9/2015 04:31:07 am

I've got a few of them lined up!!

Exiled, disfigured, alone—the night Pietro met Jane Deu, all he wanted was to die. Instead, he found a best friend through the barrel of a gun. #PitMad #YAF

Pietro agreed to betray his race and become an Exterminator. He didn’t agree to be partnered with the one who failed kill him. #pitmad #YAF

When she saw his antlers and the gun went off, Pietro thought it was over.Now, he’s partners w/ the girl who failed to kill him. #PitMad#YAF

It’s not until Jane is kidnapped that Pietro realizes something more than the daemons’ usual colonization is underway. They want her—need her. But why? #PitMad #YAF

Caitlin Sinead

3/9/2015 07:53:57 am

I really like the second one. It already gets me thinking about not only what will happen but how they got to this point, which I think is good! :)

Meredith

3/9/2015 09:15:44 am

In a world split btwn warring sea-dwelling and land-dwelling humans 18yo Diana risks exile to save the man who spared her #pitmad #sff #ya

Sea dwelling teen Diana is caught in the crossfire btwn the worlds of land & sea. As battle rages she must risk her life for love #pitmad YA

Caitlin Sinead

3/10/2015 02:22:03 am

I love the first one! I think it works really well! A classic story but with an interesting twist (sea and land dwellers).

I don't like the second one as much. It's not clear what you mean by the land & sea, so you lose that cool part of it, and the second line is a bit cliche.

But, as I said, I think the first one is a winner!

Meredith

3/10/2015 04:38:21 am

Thanks so much!! Here's hoping!!!

T. James Belich link

3/9/2015 10:44:03 am

When Bulldozer threatens a family of ducks, Maxandria the flea must save the world (or at least the pond) before she's run over. #PitMad #PB

Caitlin Sinead

3/10/2015 02:23:14 am

I'll admit, I'm a bit out of my league critiquing a PB pitch, but I liked this!! Seems very cute and funny. :)

Amanda

3/10/2015 03:18:04 am

Telling stories is forbidden but it's Millies only hope to save a village trapped in its past The Giver meets A Christmas Carol #MG #Pitmad

Caitlin Sinead

3/10/2015 03:25:08 am

I like this, except that I got a little tripped up at the lack of punctuation. I also wondered what's at stake for her, is it her village?

I know this would take more characters. I'd remove "trapped in it's past" to make room for punctuation that would ease reading and a little on her specific stakes.

But, I think it's almost there. Good luck! :)

Kristin link

3/10/2015 04:49:05 am

#a #pitmad In Hollywood you're up, down, or out. Suzy thought Tinseltown was in her past but sometimes objects are closer than they appear.

The past is more than prologue as Suzy recounts her four years in Hollywood and that shattering moment when it was all taken away #pitmad #a

Caitlin Sinead

3/10/2015 06:52:50 am

I like the first one, that ending is witty. :)

I'd suggest removing the intro though and adding some more specifics about her stakes. Good luck!

Nancy link

3/10/2015 04:57:22 am

Vintge clthes hv history, Annie doesn't. For self-wrth frst clouded by adptn, now lst to divrce she risks all to own shop she manages#pitmad#WF

Kristin link

3/10/2015 05:02:22 am

My best advice to you is to to remember this is a shorter version of a business letter. If you leave letters out of words or use numbers instead of writing out the word it looks sloppy and unprofessional. Also, if you post it as #pitmad#wf it won't show up in the feed. Just use #a. No need for genre in this event.

Something like this:

#pitmad #a After her divorce left her reeling Annie attempts fine self-worth in business ownership. Vintage clothes have history she lacks.

Kristin link

3/10/2015 05:17:17 am

find*

Please pardon the typo.

Nancy link

3/10/2015 05:42:49 am

Thanks so much ... blown away by your skills, ladies, to turn these tweets around so seemingly effortlessly! Awesomeness! :)

Caitlin Sinead

3/10/2015 05:16:58 am

Ha, I actually just sent a tweet about grammar and abbreviations in pitches before even looking at this. Honestly, I'm okay with the occasional easily understood abbreviation. For example, w/o instead of without. But this is way too much. It's hard to read. I agree with Kristin's advice.

[email protected] link

3/10/2015 05:46:53 am

Nancy, if only it was effortless :) If you could only see how much time I spend staring at a blank twitter box.

Also, you have twenty-four chances to tweet over the day so use different tweets to hone in on different ideas.

Erin

3/10/2015 08:03:46 am

An 11yo boy must stop an evil coven from stealing Salem's hidden magic or they'll unleash a power so great, no one will survive. #PitMad MG

Caitlin Sinead

3/10/2015 10:57:08 am

Nice! I think this works.

Ca couple minor suggestions. Maybe say "11yo John must..." as the way you have it now is slightly distancing. Also, maybe change "or they'll" to "before they," which hints at a "ticking clock" more than the current wording.

Good luck!

Kristin link

3/10/2015 12:40:41 pm

Just don't forget the # on the MG. Some agents will click on the age group so they can just see the tweets for #MG, #YA, etc

More Twitter Pitch Critiques!!! :)

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