Caitlin Sinead
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May 02nd, 2013

5/2/2013

24 Comments

 

Writers Voice Entry

I’m very excited to be part of “The Writers Voice,” which is “a multi-blog, multi-agent contest hosted by Cupid of Cupid’s Literary Connection, Brenda Drake of Brenda Drake Writes, Monica B.W. of Love YA, and Krista Van Dolzer of Mother. Write. (Repeat.) .”



Query

Seventeen-year-old Denali can lift trucks with her mind and see remote locations on a whim, but these skills won’t save her if the Captain of the American Psi Council discovers she is trying to prevent an attack on the US State Department.

Denali doesn’t want to disobey the hidden society that recruited her with the permission of her perhaps sanity-challenged mom. Denali loves Nashquttin, an island safe haven for psis where she is free to use her mind to fly paintballs at friends and roast marshmallows without a stick. There is nothing more liberating than cracking dead trees over the ocean after a heartbreak (even telekinetic guys can be jerks).

But she hates that the Captain will punish her if she tries to stop the attack. He says psis have learned through centuries of persecution that even well-intentioned psi actions can cause non-psis to wonder, investigate, and react violently in fear.

Denali should listen to the Captain. She should avoid a lengthy prison sentence. She should forget about seeing that eerie man in a faraway basement with blueprints, bomb materials, and an invitation to a reception with the Secretary of State. And she definitely shouldn’t let her strict, strong trainer risk his life to help her.

It’s simple. She shouldn’t try to stop the bomb.

But she will.

DENALI IN HIDING is a 76,000-word YA science fiction novel.

I earned a master’s degree in writing from Johns Hopkins University and my science fiction story “A New Life at 30” was shortlisted in the 2012 Writers & Artists Short Story Competition.

First 250 Words

When my mom is mad at me, I usually understand why.

I understood why she said, “Calling it an ‘academic pursuit’ doesn’t get you off the hook,” when I dug a six-foot hole in the front yard to show Eli how the earth changes like a rainbow the deeper you go.

I got why she frowned and said, “That was mean and really sort of disgusting,” when Ethan and I—with just the right mix of apple juice, lemonade, and water—convinced Eli we were sipping pee on the porch.

I was not surprised when she screeched, “What the hell am I supposed to tell the mechanic?” after I practiced lifting her truck before I was ready and it clunked down hard in our driveway, bits and parts rattling about.

But I don’t understand why the smoky frustration crept into her eyes when I told her Ethan and I burned my last journal. She said coolly, “We will talk about this when I get back.”

While she’s out bartending, I’m stuck wondering what I did wrong. The only thing I can figure is maybe she thinks I let Ethan read it. She knows I write about everything and she gets touchy when she thinks there is even a remote chance someone might find out about me. Even if that someone is Ethan.

Ethan, who leaves various types of miniature plastic leprechauns around our house for us to discover.

24 Comments
Anne Tedeton link
5/2/2013 05:42:04 am

Nice opening & closing hooks, oh man. And I love Denali's voice--I can feel from that first 250 that I'm going to like her a lot. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Reply
Marie Langager
5/2/2013 08:42:15 am

I loved this! Your 250 is awesome and made me adore Denali. The part about "sipping pee" and what she did to her Mom's car-great stuff. :D Good luck!

Reply
Caitlin
5/3/2013 10:52:49 am

Thanks!

Marieke link
5/2/2013 08:40:29 am

Those opening paragraphs are nothing short of amazing. :D Good luck!

Reply
Jenna
5/2/2013 09:00:35 am

Your query hooked me and the 250 left me wanting more - - good job and good luck!

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Caitlin
5/3/2013 10:54:09 am

Thank you :-)

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Robyn link
5/2/2013 10:03:41 am

I'm intrigued--and smoky frustration is particularly nice... Good luck!

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Hong link
5/2/2013 08:24:36 pm

The last sentence of your first 250 made me laugh!

I like your voice.

Good luck!

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Annette T Dodd link
5/3/2013 02:26:02 am

I remember this from WoC. Love the voice - I'd want to read on. Good luck!

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Mandy Silberstein
5/3/2013 02:35:59 am

Love the voice...her escapades make me smile. Good Luck!!

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Caitlin
5/3/2013 10:55:20 am

Glad I made you smile. Thanks! :-)

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Suzanne link
5/3/2013 03:58:35 am

The query is fantastic--truly knock me out of the water good--and I'm already intrigued by your mc. Good luck with the contest, and happy writing!

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d. Nichole King
5/3/2013 06:30:31 am

Amazingly fantastic query! Love this! Good luck!

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Caitlin
5/3/2013 10:55:55 am

Thanks!!!

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Hannah Scott link
5/4/2013 11:10:31 am

I love your MC and really love the last line in your query! Best of luck to you. :)

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Melissa link
5/4/2013 12:30:23 pm

Your query is awesome! Totally hooked me. The whole time as it was building I was leaning closer and closer to my computer...and even though I knew she was going to try and stop the bomb from the beginning of the query, your last line made me gasp! Great writing!

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Jennie link
5/4/2013 01:03:46 pm

Man, that punch in your query: But she will.

Amazing query! Love the concept!!

Best of luck!

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Diana Sousa link
5/6/2013 05:02:00 am

I'm glad to see some science fiction, and this one sounds amazing!
Best of luck to you!

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Ava Jae link
5/6/2013 11:01:18 pm

Interesting! I love that there are more stories coming out with ability-enhanced characters. Very cool. Good luck! :)

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Caitlin
5/6/2013 11:44:34 pm

Thanks! Enjoyed your piece too! :)

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Fida I
5/10/2013 06:41:14 am

I love that your first 250 words gets the reader questioning what's going on and what'd going to happen next. Good job!

#90

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Diana Sousa link
5/10/2013 08:02:06 am

Hey Caitlin!

I think you have a strong query. You lay down the basics and then build up to the point where people want more. I think this part "It’s simple. She shouldn't try to stop the bomb. But she will." does that perfectly.

I know I'm suppose to be making a critic, here, but I have nothing to say about your query except that it sounds strong, well built, and interesting.

About your 250 words. You're starting with back story, but I think that is needed, some times. As long as it is not much nor an info dump, it can work.

And your beginning does work. They're a few paragraphs of back story that are connect to what's happening "right now", to ground it on previous experiences.

I think this is a strong entry. Best of luck to you, this manuscript shows promise!

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Annette T Dodd link
5/11/2013 02:23:19 am

Hi Caitlin! :o)

Yeah, I agree with Diana that I think this is strong. The only bit I’m stumbling on in the query is the ‘She should avoid a lengthy prison sentence’ – is that one imposed by the Psi Council for disobeying, or one imposed by the US government for (presumably) having too much knowledge of the bomb and therefore being suspected of being involved somehow?

I liked your first 250 words (& didn’t mind that it was backstory). The only bit I stumbled on there was having two boys’ names both starting with ‘E’. Are they both her brothers? I was thinking just Eli was and that Ethan was her best friend, but the bit at the end about Ethan leaving leprechauns around the house makes me think he’s her brother too. (At first I thought Eli was the youngest, but that last bit made me wonder if they were actually twins – which would then make more sense for them both having names starting with ‘E’.)

I hope this helps. :o)

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Ann Noser link
5/12/2013 12:18:48 am

Like the premise.

250 first.

1) If you enter another 250 contest, I'd simply leave off the sentence about the plastic leprechans. I think the 250 would end stronger without it. I'm sure it's fine with the rest of the story after it, but it sticks out "like a sore leprechan thumb" all by itself.

2) The two understands in a row trip me up. "When my mom is mad at me, I usually UNDERSTAND why.

I UNDERSTOOD why she said, “Calling it an ‘academic pursuit’...

I like the rest of it.

query:
This is the only sentence that trips me up: "
Denali doesn’t want to disobey the hidden society that recruited her with the permission of her perhaps sanity-challenged mom."

I think the sanity-challenged part is distracting. I'd focus more on DENALI DOESN'T WANT TO DISOBEY THE HIDDEN SOCIETY THAT HAS HELPED HER DEVELOP HER TALENTS...OR SOME OTHER RUBBISH, MAKE IT SOMETHING SHE OWES THEM FOR.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Reply



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